Late-Night Personalities Take Aim At Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Immigration Program
Late-night's top entertainers spent the evening ridiculing ex-President Donald Trump's newly announced visa program, dubbed the "gold card," describing it as a blatant pay-for-access system for the affluent.
The Late Show's Pointed Analysis
Starting his show, Stephen Colbert offered a sardonic holiday jingle about the president. "He is compiling a list, reviewing it twice, before handing that list to the officials at ICE," he intoned. "The President ... destroys all he touches."
Colbert's target was the controversial plan that enables international citizens to buy U.S. residence for the price of a million dollars, with a "platinum" version for 5 million. The program's website pledges processing "with unprecedented speed."
"A quick message here to affluent foreigners: before you pony up, have you considered Canada?" Colbert joked.
He noted that the card is also meant to "squeeze cash" from firms wishing to hire skilled workers, with significant costs. "That is a lot of fees, but if you sign up, you also get two free nights at a property of your choosing – provided that it's the that one hotel," he said.
"Unprecedented screening the government has ever done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to ensure these people absolutely qualify to be in America."
"That is important, you have to prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "The initial query: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"
Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Roast
On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the visa program the "U.S. Access Express Card."
"It's a card that will allow affluent overseas citizens to live here," he stated. "In exchange for a million bucks, you get official visitor status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one significant crime of your choosing."
"Perhaps it's time to change that inscription on the Statue of Liberty – to hell with your poor masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he added.
Kimmel mocked the simplicity of the application, observing it is "tougher to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "sees citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."
"That's right, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel said. "It's what Jesus constantly said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you give the needle a million dollars."
Seth Meyers on Grocery Concerns
Elsewhere, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's declining approval ratings amid economic anxiety. "The public gave Donald Trump a another term since they were mad about the economy," he explained.
This week, in a effort to address affordability, Trump held a briefing in front of a display of grocery items, where he reacted strangely to boxes of cereal.
"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take some of them back to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a long time."
"He is so extremely weird," Meyers reacted. "What do you mean, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"
Meyers wrapped up by criticizing conservative media coverage of Trump's economic performance. "Maybe instead of complaining, you should give him a shiny trophy like the one FIFA did," he remarked.
