Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and see the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
